How Does this Happen?

When I was the mom of just two, I remember seeing this picture:

After gasping, then laughing hysterically (because they are not my children), I could not for the life of me figure out how something like that could happen.  I mean, c'mon!  Where was the mother??? 

Then I had two more children.  Who were not like my first two children.  At all.

They do their part to help me understand how things like that happen. Even with me here.

Today, Jace decided that drawing on himself ...

AND our leather sofa

with a PEN 

was a good idea.

While I *thought* he was watching a movie.  The older three were playing Uno at the kitchen table.  And, I was cleaning out the refrigerator.  We weren't even technically out of the room!

Thankfully, we have a family friend who restores leather.  He told me to use alcohol to get the ink out.  I have witch hazel and hydrogen peroxide in my house.  But no alcohol.  Of course.  So, I ran to Walgreens and bought a rather large bottle.

After using nearly half the bottle

My sofa now looks like this:

Well, that's better.  Don't ya think?

Thankfully, Eddie is out of town.  He would have a stroke!  Even more thankfully, the leather-master-family-friend is coming tomorrow to (PLEASE, Lord!) restore the color.  I'm hoping that by the time Ed gets home, this will all be funny.  In the meantime, today would not be the day to check my blog, honey.  :)

Thanks to reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I somehow moved uncharacteristically quickly from "OH NO! OH MY GOSH! OH NO! I'm gonna throw up" panic-mode

to

"Thank you, Lord, for this little ornery boy. Even with ink on my sofa, I'm thankful for him. I'm thankful to have a sofa.  And a friend who restores leather.  For the ability to run to Walgreens to buy alcohol.  For the elbow grease needed to rub ink out for an hour and a half."  Many gifts in the midst of frustration.  Always.  We just have to see.  Oh, how I want that to become my natural reaction.

If you haven't read that book, you should.  Just don't get your 3 year old to write on the sofa to see if its changed you.  I don't recommend that.

Hopefully, I will have some "just like new" photos to post after tomorrow. {fingers crossed}

Blinded

I find it interesting that things can be so hidden in plain sight.  How, once revealed, they seem so obvious and unmistakable.  Yet, they were unseen. 

I think God knows how much truth we can handle.  For a level of maturity, a season or even our whole lives.  He knows how easily we get overwhelmed.  Certainly, if he had shown me 20 years ago that this would be my life, I would have run screaming the other direction.  I wouldn't have felt capable.  I might have ended up in the belly of a whale.  Or something.  I am thankful He reveals little pieces at a time.  Because small pieces are still a lot to take in!  And, I'm grateful He is faithful to equip us for the journey He calls us to.  Even though I still wanna run screaming some days!  :)

There have been two overriding themes of God's work in my life the past couple years that have come into laser focus the last few months.  One centers around lies about God I have bought into.  Lies that I think are perpetuated by the church.  By 'the church,' I'm referring to the modern, American Christian church as a whole.  The other is about me.  Me, me, me, me, me and me.  Selfishness.  Interestingly enough, God has intertwined the two and revealed just how selfishly I view Him! 

The past few years, I've grown weary of church.  I don't mean the building or even the people.   I mean all the canned, Americanized answers for God.  All the legalism disguised and described as faith, obedience and blessings.   Everything tied up with a nice, neat little bow - while anything that doesn't fit in the little box gets ignored.  The idea that if we just do it all right enough then nothing but "blessings" will come into our lives.  That somehow if we live right enough, God will protect us from bad things.  The idea that somehow we earn what we get. 

The problem with this thinking is that A) Its not Biblical.  Minor detail.  We are not capable of doing it right enough.  Hence, Jesus!  B) We also have to own the reverse lie - that when bad things do happen, it must be because I wasn't righteous or obedient enough.   And C) That good/bad are measured merely by how it makes me feel.  If I don't like it, it must be bad and if I do like it or it makes me feel good, then it must be good (or a blessing).  Because no blessing of mine would show up feeling bad!

Do you see the selfishness wrapped up in this thinking?  Its all about ME!!  It shows itself in the way we view and handle difficulties, inconveniences and problems.  In the way we view the positive things in our lives - when we become prideful in believing that we somehow deserve the good we have.  In the way we pray, asking for what makes us feel good.  Even in the ways we worship - we want to feel good in worship, we want it to be entertaining or "right" enough for our standards!  In the way we view the role of church in our lives.  Isn't it frequently about what we can get out of it?  How it makes us feel, what activities they provide for us or our children; how entertained we are during the services.  How much we like the people. We expect the church to teach us all we need to know about the Lord.  We want to show up on Sunday, have a nice time, feel good, look good and go home without an ounce of energy to expend in our relationship with God.  All the while, expecting nothing but blessings to rain down.  Because as Americans, we are into the idea of convenience.  In all things.  Including our faith.  Our churches have bought into it as well - they entertain us, so we'll show up.  They provide more and more activities so our kids will show up.  They water down the Scriptures so it feels good - and we don't have to be convicted.  Its a vicious cycle!  When the teaching doesn't come back around to reveal the selfishness that grips our hearts, we end up with even more of it!  And the cycle continues.

That's not to say there aren't profound blessings when we live according to God's will.  I believe there are also difficult consequences that result from living outside of His will.  But, being a Christian isn't so much about following rules or feeling good - its about a relationship with a Savior that we can't live without! Its about living in accordance with what He has called us to, as unique individuals.  To live out the priorities He has in mind for us - whether they are convenient and cozy or not!  About living our lives in a way that brings glory to God, even if it means something less than pleasure for us.  About living out our faith, rather than expecting it to live out in spite of us!  It isn't always pretty.  It doesn't always feel good.  I believe that God IS good and that His plans are only for good.  But good in our economy is so different from God's!  The Bible says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD."  Isaiah 55:8  Just because something doesn't feel good to us, doesn't mean it is not good!  Our emotions are fickle and untrustworthy!  We cannot rely on them to guide our faith.  If we trust that God is good, then we trust it when blessings overflow AND in our deepest pains.  Even when our human minds can't begin to comprehend our circumstances as good.


I struggled after Jordan was born with this whole concept.  That somehow Jordan having Down Syndrome and a heart defect was a result of my sins.  It was all about ME.  I always knew it wasn't a mistake.  That God wasn't looking down, saying, "Uh.Oh!"  But, it didn't occur to me until a few years later that God may have specific purposes in creating her the way He did.  Purposes bigger than my wants and desires.  Plans to bring glory to Himself.  He began to reframe it for me - to reveal that being Jordan's mom was a privilege - not just because I love her - but because I get a front row seat to see His hand at work. 
 
I struggle again with Jackson's death.  Differently this time, but still with the selfishness.  I can't help but wonder, Why?  Why even create him in the first place?  Its easy to stand back and look at our culture and see the entitlement mentality; the pervasive consummation with self.  But, to stand back and see it in my faith?  Wow, that was hard.  God has graciously given me a glimpse of His purposes with Jackson.  A purpose that I could not have imagined in a million years.  And, here's the kicker ... it has absolutely nothing to do with ME!!!  Don't think that little revelation didn't send me into a tailspin.  On the one hand, I was praising God for revealing purpose for my precious little boy.  Purpose in why He created Jackson - and purpose in why he died when he did.  What a gift!!  An expected, beautiful gift that I wouldn't have even asked for.  And yet, at the end of it, I was left with this ... How can this NOT be about ME?  He's MY baby! 

I don't have all the answers.  I can't explain it away.  I certainly can't wrap it up in a nice neat little package that feels good for me or anyone else.  All I know is that not everything is about me.  Even when it feels like it should be.  At the end of the day, its all about God bringing about His plans, His purposes and receiving His glory!  And since God has chosen this journey for us, I want to walk it out in a way that honors Him!  A way that glorifies Him.   

Reading is always therapeutic for me and here are a couple books that are helping me work some of this out.

I recently finished Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl

by Lysa TerKeurst - I highly recommend it.  Especially if you're like me and fed up with canned, feel-good Christianity.

I've also started Radical by David Platt.  This one will rock your world!  Its a MUST READ for every believer!!!!

We need a fresh look at Christianity.  At God.  God has so much more in store than just US!  I don't know about you, but I'm kinda tired of ME!

Peace Despite Circumstances

It is so easy to be deceived by our emotions - what a great reminder of where true peace comes from! The context of this quote is about spending time with Jesus every.single.day.
"The peace that flows despite circumstances can only be found through Jesus being with us....Instead of being slaves to our emotions and reacting based on our feelings, we can remain victoriously peaceful no matter what."
From Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst

Relaxed and Refreshed!

Wow. What a weekend. I could not have asked for a better one! The hotel was beautiful, my room was perfect; room service was oh-so-tasty and the amount of time away was just perfect! I got to the hotel on Friday about 3pm, while my super-sport of a hubby took Jordan to ballet - and even though I thought the stay-at-home-homeschooling-moms-on-a-Friday-afternoon-chatter might be a little much for him, I think he was rather proud of how great they thought he was, considering where I was! :-)
Anyway, I immediately unpacked (because I can't stand to live out of a suitcase!) and was oohing and aahing over my room and how perfect it was when there was a knock at my door. It was a bellhop with a gift - very beautifully wrapped - and he said someone had left it at the front desk for me! I was ecstatic and immediately recognized my friend Amy's handwriting on the tag! What a surprise! Inside the box were some cute (maternity) jammies and a hoodie ... along with a couple pieces of chocolate from Stam! Such a treat and a wonderful surprise!
I decided to write out/journal my thoughts throughout the weekend - and even managed to write out some goals for this year. God really worked on my heart while I was away and revealed many things. It was very therapeutic!
I'm amazed at all I was able to accomplish and still manage to feel relaxed and refreshed all at the same time! I'm not real good at sitting and doing nothing, but I tried to do as much of that as possible! I also managed to make about 40 new cards (including some for Valentine's Day) - that's how I spent the bulk of my time.
The room had 2 desks - and one on wheels, so it was great!! (I didn't take a pic of the leather sofa covered in paper! :-) I did a lot of reading, writing, sleeping and just plain relaxing. I didn't think I'd be interested in the TV, but as it turned out, it was a little TOO quiet and I couldn't get the radio to work very well. I watched a couple "chick flicks" Saturday night and stayed up way too late! But, I slept until 8:30 Sunday morning! The bed was so comfy with lots of pillows and one of my favorite treats is sitting in bed, eating room service, so I enjoyed plenty of that as well!
Saturday evening, I got another sweet surprise! Ed video taped each of the kids saying hi and dropped it off at the hotel! It was so sweet and of course, the video of him was in true Ed-fashion: silly! I missed them all, but it was nice to have no responsibilities for a weekend!
I met up with my family when church was over and we all had lunch together, then came home (to a clean house, of course!)! We even had our own little family Super Bowl party last night, complete with a ridiculous amount of junk food! It was a fun way to end such an awesome weekend!