2010 from the rearview

I'm cracking myself up over the title of this post.  This year has felt a bit like a rear view, ifyouknowwhatImean. 

For those of you who only visit my blog once a year, here's the recap ... if you'd like the abbreviated version, check facebook for my 'year in status updates.' 

For the ladies, here's the longer, slightly more detailed version:

We won’t be sad to say goodbye to 2010.  Even though a new year can't change circumstances, there are just some years that seem more deserving of a swift kick in the pants, ya know?

We began 2010 excited about Sustala baby #5 joining our family! We learned we were having a boy and named him Jackson Erin, after Ed’s grandfather, Pawpaw Jackson and my youngest brother, Erin. Sadly, Jackson was stillborn at 24 weeks due to a cord entanglement. As you can imagine, it has been a difficult journey to grieve the loss of our little boy. As always, God has been present in every detail. His hand has been evident at every turn. I’ve tried to write about our grief and the journey of faith it has required on this blog in hopes that it may one day minister to someone else. This has been the loneliest journey of my life – even though I know I'm not alone.  Ed and I are both surprised at just how difficult losing Jackson still is – even eight months later. The pain that lingers is not something we could have anticipated. Our children have struggled through this in their own ways – they mention Jackson frequently and say often they wish he had lived. Jadyn got upset when I was talking with a woman I didn't know.  When she asked how many children I have, I answered, "Two boys & two girls." (I don’t feel comfortable burdening everyone I meet with what happened)  Jadyn exclaimed, “MOM! You have THREE boys!!!” Awkward…but precious nonetheless.   It warms my heart how they embrace him as part of our family.  In the picture above, Jordan is holding our "Jackson-bear" because we wanted him represented somehow.
This year also marked having three official homeschoolers! That has been quite the adventure, but still remains a beautiful, wonderful fit for our family. I have enjoyed the time I get to spend with each of the kids one-on-one as well as the time we have together as a family. The flexibility it provides has come in very handy (again) this year as well!

The kids have had a busy year. Jordan (10) joined a homeschool choir called Joyful Sound! I continue to be amazed at the doors God opens for her! She gets to do her two favorite things:  sing and dance!  She has also had a lot of orthodontic work – which will continue next year with braces, as we work to correct her under bite and hopefully improve articulation.
Jacob (8 ½) has taken his soccer interest to a new level, playing junior select soccer. He loves the professional coaching and the seriousness of the players.  If he sees a ball, you can bet his feet are on it - juggling, kicking, something!  He continues to excel in academics, especially math. He is in his second year of cub scouts, as a bear. 
Jadyn (5 ½) is in Kindergarten and is into all things creative. She has been lucky enough to participate in one of the Joyful Sound! show choirs with Jordan as well as taking gymnastics.
Jace (2 1/2) is a short and stocky, happy, extremely busy little guy who loves music, trains, balls and anything his big sisters and brother are doing! He makes us laugh every single day.  It took him a while to start talking in more than single syllable words, but now we can't shut him up! 

Despite (or more likely because of) the heartbreak this year, we have been able to get away a little.  Ed and I went to San Antonio a couple times, went to Dallas and made a trip to Chicago.  We also rented a beach house in Galveston with the kids in May, which was just heavenly!!  It was so wonderful, we're hoping to make it an annual event. 

We are ending this year bitter sweetly...
Bitterly, we are saying goodbye to Ed’s sister, Stacey & her family as they move to Southeast Asia. It’s a wonderful opportunity for their family, so we are excited for them, but sad for ourselves!
We are also working on repairs to our house after a recent flooding episode. You can read more about that here.  :/
Sweetly, we are looking forward to my brother, Erin’s wedding in three weeks!! We are honored to participate in the day as a bridesmaid, groomsman, flower girls and ring bearers :)  We look forward to ‘officially’ welcoming Beth into our family!

As difficult as this year has been, we know God only has good plans for us – and He will be faithful to bring good even out of our suffering. We pray that you will sense His blessings and provision in your lives as well!

Merry Christmas, blog friends!

Six Months

Six months can seem like a lifetime.  Or the blink of an eye. 

These past six months have been a mixture of both for me.  It feels like a lifetime of swimming in a turbulent sea of grief ... and like the blink of an eye since I held my baby boy for the first and only time.

It sure seems like six months ought to be long enough. 

It ought to be long enough that the thought of Jackson doesn't bring tears to me eyes. 

It ought to be long enough that I don't get choked up writing about him. 

It ought to be long enough that I don't think about every "first" without him. 

It ought to be long enough that my arms don't still ache to hold him.

It ought to be long enough that I don't feel a lump in my throat at the sight of a pregnant mama. 

It ought to be long enough that seeing my children together doesn't remind me he's missing.

It ought to be long enough that I don't still cry myself to sleep some nights.

It ought to be long enough that the sight of a new baby boy doesn't take my breath away.

It ought to be long enough that I don't flinch when I hear the joyous news of another baby's arrival.

It ought to be long enough that anniversaries don't feel so painfully raw. 

It ought to be long enough.

It just ought to be. 

But, it's not.  At least not for me. 

And that's OK.  'Cause six months have passed in the blink of an eye.

I love you with all my mommy-heart, Jackson Erin.  I will never forget you - or stop missing you.  Until I hold you in my arms again. 

Blinded

I find it interesting that things can be so hidden in plain sight.  How, once revealed, they seem so obvious and unmistakable.  Yet, they were unseen. 

I think God knows how much truth we can handle.  For a level of maturity, a season or even our whole lives.  He knows how easily we get overwhelmed.  Certainly, if he had shown me 20 years ago that this would be my life, I would have run screaming the other direction.  I wouldn't have felt capable.  I might have ended up in the belly of a whale.  Or something.  I am thankful He reveals little pieces at a time.  Because small pieces are still a lot to take in!  And, I'm grateful He is faithful to equip us for the journey He calls us to.  Even though I still wanna run screaming some days!  :)

There have been two overriding themes of God's work in my life the past couple years that have come into laser focus the last few months.  One centers around lies about God I have bought into.  Lies that I think are perpetuated by the church.  By 'the church,' I'm referring to the modern, American Christian church as a whole.  The other is about me.  Me, me, me, me, me and me.  Selfishness.  Interestingly enough, God has intertwined the two and revealed just how selfishly I view Him! 

The past few years, I've grown weary of church.  I don't mean the building or even the people.   I mean all the canned, Americanized answers for God.  All the legalism disguised and described as faith, obedience and blessings.   Everything tied up with a nice, neat little bow - while anything that doesn't fit in the little box gets ignored.  The idea that if we just do it all right enough then nothing but "blessings" will come into our lives.  That somehow if we live right enough, God will protect us from bad things.  The idea that somehow we earn what we get. 

The problem with this thinking is that A) Its not Biblical.  Minor detail.  We are not capable of doing it right enough.  Hence, Jesus!  B) We also have to own the reverse lie - that when bad things do happen, it must be because I wasn't righteous or obedient enough.   And C) That good/bad are measured merely by how it makes me feel.  If I don't like it, it must be bad and if I do like it or it makes me feel good, then it must be good (or a blessing).  Because no blessing of mine would show up feeling bad!

Do you see the selfishness wrapped up in this thinking?  Its all about ME!!  It shows itself in the way we view and handle difficulties, inconveniences and problems.  In the way we view the positive things in our lives - when we become prideful in believing that we somehow deserve the good we have.  In the way we pray, asking for what makes us feel good.  Even in the ways we worship - we want to feel good in worship, we want it to be entertaining or "right" enough for our standards!  In the way we view the role of church in our lives.  Isn't it frequently about what we can get out of it?  How it makes us feel, what activities they provide for us or our children; how entertained we are during the services.  How much we like the people. We expect the church to teach us all we need to know about the Lord.  We want to show up on Sunday, have a nice time, feel good, look good and go home without an ounce of energy to expend in our relationship with God.  All the while, expecting nothing but blessings to rain down.  Because as Americans, we are into the idea of convenience.  In all things.  Including our faith.  Our churches have bought into it as well - they entertain us, so we'll show up.  They provide more and more activities so our kids will show up.  They water down the Scriptures so it feels good - and we don't have to be convicted.  Its a vicious cycle!  When the teaching doesn't come back around to reveal the selfishness that grips our hearts, we end up with even more of it!  And the cycle continues.

That's not to say there aren't profound blessings when we live according to God's will.  I believe there are also difficult consequences that result from living outside of His will.  But, being a Christian isn't so much about following rules or feeling good - its about a relationship with a Savior that we can't live without! Its about living in accordance with what He has called us to, as unique individuals.  To live out the priorities He has in mind for us - whether they are convenient and cozy or not!  About living our lives in a way that brings glory to God, even if it means something less than pleasure for us.  About living out our faith, rather than expecting it to live out in spite of us!  It isn't always pretty.  It doesn't always feel good.  I believe that God IS good and that His plans are only for good.  But good in our economy is so different from God's!  The Bible says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD."  Isaiah 55:8  Just because something doesn't feel good to us, doesn't mean it is not good!  Our emotions are fickle and untrustworthy!  We cannot rely on them to guide our faith.  If we trust that God is good, then we trust it when blessings overflow AND in our deepest pains.  Even when our human minds can't begin to comprehend our circumstances as good.


I struggled after Jordan was born with this whole concept.  That somehow Jordan having Down Syndrome and a heart defect was a result of my sins.  It was all about ME.  I always knew it wasn't a mistake.  That God wasn't looking down, saying, "Uh.Oh!"  But, it didn't occur to me until a few years later that God may have specific purposes in creating her the way He did.  Purposes bigger than my wants and desires.  Plans to bring glory to Himself.  He began to reframe it for me - to reveal that being Jordan's mom was a privilege - not just because I love her - but because I get a front row seat to see His hand at work. 
 
I struggle again with Jackson's death.  Differently this time, but still with the selfishness.  I can't help but wonder, Why?  Why even create him in the first place?  Its easy to stand back and look at our culture and see the entitlement mentality; the pervasive consummation with self.  But, to stand back and see it in my faith?  Wow, that was hard.  God has graciously given me a glimpse of His purposes with Jackson.  A purpose that I could not have imagined in a million years.  And, here's the kicker ... it has absolutely nothing to do with ME!!!  Don't think that little revelation didn't send me into a tailspin.  On the one hand, I was praising God for revealing purpose for my precious little boy.  Purpose in why He created Jackson - and purpose in why he died when he did.  What a gift!!  An expected, beautiful gift that I wouldn't have even asked for.  And yet, at the end of it, I was left with this ... How can this NOT be about ME?  He's MY baby! 

I don't have all the answers.  I can't explain it away.  I certainly can't wrap it up in a nice neat little package that feels good for me or anyone else.  All I know is that not everything is about me.  Even when it feels like it should be.  At the end of the day, its all about God bringing about His plans, His purposes and receiving His glory!  And since God has chosen this journey for us, I want to walk it out in a way that honors Him!  A way that glorifies Him.   

Reading is always therapeutic for me and here are a couple books that are helping me work some of this out.

I recently finished Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl

by Lysa TerKeurst - I highly recommend it.  Especially if you're like me and fed up with canned, feel-good Christianity.

I've also started Radical by David Platt.  This one will rock your world!  Its a MUST READ for every believer!!!!

We need a fresh look at Christianity.  At God.  God has so much more in store than just US!  I don't know about you, but I'm kinda tired of ME!

Due date

So, I'm back to Jackson ...
Any guesses as to what occupies a good portion of my thoughts?  :)

Tomorrow is my due date.  Was, actually. 

August 4, 2010 is a date I started looking forward to in November last year, when we learned we were expecting our little guy.  Then I started dreading it in April, when we learned our baby was gone.  The date didn't change.  Only the circumstance. 

I haven't felt like tomorrow would affect me much.  Mainly because I feel like Jackson "should" be here - I've already given birth to him. My grief is centered around not having a three month old in my arms. 

But, as is typical with this crazy beast of grief, it blind sided me today.  As I was scrolling through updates on facebook, pictures of someone's baby boy hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was surprised because pictures of others' babies haven't affected me much up until now.   Being around babies is extremely difficult, but pictures haven't been a big deal.  So, I'm not sure how tomorrow will hit me.  Though I'm guessing it will be a bigger deal than I thought a few days ago. 

Today I find myself wishing I were complaining about all the discomforts of late pregnancy.  And, for a girl who does NOT enjoy being pregnant, that's sayin' something!  :)

God is still faithful.  I cling to the truth that He is in control, that He does have a perfect plan and that He is, above all else, GOOD. 

I would appreciate your prayers for tomorrow. 

Name Collage

My plan is to get back into blogging about life happenings outside of and beyond just those surrounding Jackson - but I have to share this beautiful collage created by Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages. What a precious gift!

Jackson

Here are my favorite images of our brief time with Jackson


Its hard to believe we buried him 2 months ago today ...

These photos are courtesy of Joe Heiliger, a sweet family friend and volunteer photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep!!

Peace

I remember praying that God would make Jackson's birth peaceful - that the whole experience in the hospital would just be as peaceful as possible. I knew He'd been faithful to answer those prayers and this picture is a perfect reminder ...

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

The Cord

This is the poem I read at Jackson's service.

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I.
By an invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

Its not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth.
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed.
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create.
It withstands the test,
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
Though no one can see.


It pulls at my heart
I am bruised, I am sore.
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.


I am thankful that God
Connects us this way.
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

An Angel Never Dies

This is the poem my little brother, Erin read at Jackson's service.

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart.
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not of me.
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes.
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Even in this pain you bear.
Believe me when I say to you
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

Its been nearly a week since we buried our baby boy. As hard as it was, I thought the graveside service we had was beautiful. I was able to see my sweet baby wrapped in the blanket my mom made for him and wearing the hat she crocheted. I needed to know his little body was in his casket just the way I wanted him. Some of the things I've needed through this journey have been surprising and some I haven't had explanations for. I've just had to trust what my heart was telling me was important and go with it.

When we arrived at the funeral home, Jackson's casket was set up in a room with some sweet flowers friends had sent. After our family arrived, Ed carried the casket out to a car that took us to the grave site. We had a short little service that included some Scripture, some poems, and a sweet song. I'll post those soon. Then, we placed roses on the casket and our other kids all placed toys they chose for him on his casket.

Afterwards, we had a dove release ceremony that proved to be beautiful! A company called Dream Doves came and did an "Angel Release" - she released one dove to signify Jackson and then a flock of doves were released afterwards. It was really a beautiful sight!

We had a ton of food at our house afterwards, thanks to our church! And visitors filled our house for the afternoon.

We are so thankful for the love and support we've received from so many! I am amazed at the number of donations made to Show Hope in memory of our little Jackson. I'm also amazed at the number of cards we've received!! We are receiving meals from our small group and have still received flowers this week. It blesses us immensely!! My mom gave us a memory box for all our keepsakes. It has a shadowbox lid, which I love:

I'm hoping to have his name engraved on the little silver plate soon. I'm so glad my mom made two hats and blankets, so I was able to keep one of each! You can also see his little footprints on the left. The verse was from the program at the funeral home. This box will be a forever-treasure!

The past week has been a roller coaster ride for me. I don't really know what else to say about it right now. I am thankful that God gave us Jackson for the short time He did and I continue to trust that He knows better than I do, even though my human heart and mind can't make sense of it.

Born Still & Peacefully

Jackson Erin Sustala was born very peacefully this morning at 6:49 am, weighing 1 pound, 10 ounces. He was 12.5 inches long. Bigger than we expected.

We were so blessed to spend 3 beautiful hours with him. Seeing him for the first time was the most painful experience of my life - and yet holding him in my arms was such a relief. Once he arrived, we found he'd had a cord accident - his cord was wrapped tightly around his neck twice as well as under his arm. His tiny feet were both very clubbed as well.

God made his presence felt in so many ways. The room was filled with nearly constant prayer and his arrival was as peaceful as I could have hoped for. God was so gracious to us throughout the entire process. The labor was fairly easy and the delivery very simple. I am in awe of His provision and love! We have felt so loved by our family and friends as well. I am so thankful for Ed - I am so blessed to spend my life with him. He has been amazing!

Leaving the hospital without our baby was difficult and I expect this week will be tough as I recover from birth and all that entails without a babe in my arms. Please continue to lift us up in prayer as we face this week and look ahead to the burial on Friday.

We know that God is so very good and we trust His plans for our family, even in our pain.

Induction Tonight!

We have a slight change of plans with the induction. We are going to the hospital TONIGHT - at 6pm to be induced. Please PRAY!!!

Birth & Burial

Well, we've had a week to grieve the loss of our sweet Jackson and now we have a week to give birth and bury him. It feels like a whole lot more than I'd like to do, but I also know that God's grace and strength will prove sufficient, as it already has.

Here are the details - I am scheduled to be induced tomorrow (Tues) morning. There are no guarantees that it will work quickly - it could take 24 hours. Please pray that it goes as peacefully and easily as possible and that God will take care of every detail (including my fears).

We have planned the burial for Friday morning. It will be a private family service, but we are happy to welcome any other family and friends to our house Friday, 1:00 - 4:00 pm.
If you need the address contact Ed or me.

One question we've been asked about are flowers: they can be sent to our home or to the funeral home: Woodlawn Funeral Home & Cemetery in Houston.
In lieu of flowers, donations can also be made in memory of Jackson Erin Sustala to Show Hope by clicking this link: https://secure2.convio.net/ccsh/site/Donation?ACTION=SHOW_DONATION_OPTIONS&CAMPAIGN_ID=1065
Show Hope is a non-profit organization that mobilizes individuals and communities to care for orphans and provide waiting children with families by giving grants to those adopting.

We are all holding up pretty well and are very grateful for all the love, prayers, support, cards, messages, meals and offers to help from SO many!

Please continue to pray for all of us this week.

What Now?

I've had a lot of emails and phone calls about 'what now?' & other questions - so I thought this would be as good a place as any to answer them.
Our choices, as they stand right now, are to wait and see if my body will go into labor on its own (which typically happens in 2-3 weeks) or I can choose to schedule an induction. At least for now, we are choosing to wait. My midwife is out of town until next Monday and I'd rather not do anything without her here. I'm not sure what I will decide next week. We're just trying to take things one day at a time right now.
As far as where we plan to birth - I don't know if we know yet. But, Ed and I are both leaning toward a hospital birth. That could change in an hour or in a day or in a week. :)
As for what will happen after Jackson's birth. We will get to hold him and spend as much time as we want with him (although he will be very fragile). Additionally, we have an amazing blessing of a photographer that will come and take pictures for us. A beautiful ministry called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep will provide that. Beyond that, we will have him buried - but don't have those plans yet. We do not plan to do a funeral, but perhaps a graveside family service. We still have plenty of arrangements to make and this is likely going to be a process that extends through the next couple weeks.
We are so thankful for all the words of encouragement and support we have rec'd and thankful for all the prayers!
We are also thankful that God did indeed choose to completely HEAL Jackson - it just wasn't in the way we had hoped.
Again, thank you for all the prayers and love and support for our family!

Jackson Erin

We learned today that our precious Jackson has passed away. Please pray for us as we grieve losing him - but also as we move forward in making decisions and arrangements. I'm 23+ weeks along and will still have to give birth to him and then bury him, which feels so beyond hard right now.
I noticed that I hadn't felt him moving (even when trying to get him to), so we went to the midwife and there was no heartbeat. We went to the hospital and it was confirmed with an ultrasound that Jackson had passed.
We are heartbroken and crushed, but we still PRAISE God. We KNOW He is good & faithful and that He will bring good out of even this. We are trusting Him, even though we don't begin to understand.
We would covet your prayers for not only peace, but for direction and wisdom as we make hard decisions and arrangements in the coming days.