2010 from the rearview

I'm cracking myself up over the title of this post.  This year has felt a bit like a rear view, ifyouknowwhatImean. 

For those of you who only visit my blog once a year, here's the recap ... if you'd like the abbreviated version, check facebook for my 'year in status updates.' 

For the ladies, here's the longer, slightly more detailed version:

We won’t be sad to say goodbye to 2010.  Even though a new year can't change circumstances, there are just some years that seem more deserving of a swift kick in the pants, ya know?

We began 2010 excited about Sustala baby #5 joining our family! We learned we were having a boy and named him Jackson Erin, after Ed’s grandfather, Pawpaw Jackson and my youngest brother, Erin. Sadly, Jackson was stillborn at 24 weeks due to a cord entanglement. As you can imagine, it has been a difficult journey to grieve the loss of our little boy. As always, God has been present in every detail. His hand has been evident at every turn. I’ve tried to write about our grief and the journey of faith it has required on this blog in hopes that it may one day minister to someone else. This has been the loneliest journey of my life – even though I know I'm not alone.  Ed and I are both surprised at just how difficult losing Jackson still is – even eight months later. The pain that lingers is not something we could have anticipated. Our children have struggled through this in their own ways – they mention Jackson frequently and say often they wish he had lived. Jadyn got upset when I was talking with a woman I didn't know.  When she asked how many children I have, I answered, "Two boys & two girls." (I don’t feel comfortable burdening everyone I meet with what happened)  Jadyn exclaimed, “MOM! You have THREE boys!!!” Awkward…but precious nonetheless.   It warms my heart how they embrace him as part of our family.  In the picture above, Jordan is holding our "Jackson-bear" because we wanted him represented somehow.
This year also marked having three official homeschoolers! That has been quite the adventure, but still remains a beautiful, wonderful fit for our family. I have enjoyed the time I get to spend with each of the kids one-on-one as well as the time we have together as a family. The flexibility it provides has come in very handy (again) this year as well!

The kids have had a busy year. Jordan (10) joined a homeschool choir called Joyful Sound! I continue to be amazed at the doors God opens for her! She gets to do her two favorite things:  sing and dance!  She has also had a lot of orthodontic work – which will continue next year with braces, as we work to correct her under bite and hopefully improve articulation.
Jacob (8 ½) has taken his soccer interest to a new level, playing junior select soccer. He loves the professional coaching and the seriousness of the players.  If he sees a ball, you can bet his feet are on it - juggling, kicking, something!  He continues to excel in academics, especially math. He is in his second year of cub scouts, as a bear. 
Jadyn (5 ½) is in Kindergarten and is into all things creative. She has been lucky enough to participate in one of the Joyful Sound! show choirs with Jordan as well as taking gymnastics.
Jace (2 1/2) is a short and stocky, happy, extremely busy little guy who loves music, trains, balls and anything his big sisters and brother are doing! He makes us laugh every single day.  It took him a while to start talking in more than single syllable words, but now we can't shut him up! 

Despite (or more likely because of) the heartbreak this year, we have been able to get away a little.  Ed and I went to San Antonio a couple times, went to Dallas and made a trip to Chicago.  We also rented a beach house in Galveston with the kids in May, which was just heavenly!!  It was so wonderful, we're hoping to make it an annual event. 

We are ending this year bitter sweetly...
Bitterly, we are saying goodbye to Ed’s sister, Stacey & her family as they move to Southeast Asia. It’s a wonderful opportunity for their family, so we are excited for them, but sad for ourselves!
We are also working on repairs to our house after a recent flooding episode. You can read more about that here.  :/
Sweetly, we are looking forward to my brother, Erin’s wedding in three weeks!! We are honored to participate in the day as a bridesmaid, groomsman, flower girls and ring bearers :)  We look forward to ‘officially’ welcoming Beth into our family!

As difficult as this year has been, we know God only has good plans for us – and He will be faithful to bring good even out of our suffering. We pray that you will sense His blessings and provision in your lives as well!

Merry Christmas, blog friends!

Six Months

Six months can seem like a lifetime.  Or the blink of an eye. 

These past six months have been a mixture of both for me.  It feels like a lifetime of swimming in a turbulent sea of grief ... and like the blink of an eye since I held my baby boy for the first and only time.

It sure seems like six months ought to be long enough. 

It ought to be long enough that the thought of Jackson doesn't bring tears to me eyes. 

It ought to be long enough that I don't get choked up writing about him. 

It ought to be long enough that I don't think about every "first" without him. 

It ought to be long enough that my arms don't still ache to hold him.

It ought to be long enough that I don't feel a lump in my throat at the sight of a pregnant mama. 

It ought to be long enough that seeing my children together doesn't remind me he's missing.

It ought to be long enough that I don't still cry myself to sleep some nights.

It ought to be long enough that the sight of a new baby boy doesn't take my breath away.

It ought to be long enough that I don't flinch when I hear the joyous news of another baby's arrival.

It ought to be long enough that anniversaries don't feel so painfully raw. 

It ought to be long enough.

It just ought to be. 

But, it's not.  At least not for me. 

And that's OK.  'Cause six months have passed in the blink of an eye.

I love you with all my mommy-heart, Jackson Erin.  I will never forget you - or stop missing you.  Until I hold you in my arms again. 

Due date

So, I'm back to Jackson ...
Any guesses as to what occupies a good portion of my thoughts?  :)

Tomorrow is my due date.  Was, actually. 

August 4, 2010 is a date I started looking forward to in November last year, when we learned we were expecting our little guy.  Then I started dreading it in April, when we learned our baby was gone.  The date didn't change.  Only the circumstance. 

I haven't felt like tomorrow would affect me much.  Mainly because I feel like Jackson "should" be here - I've already given birth to him. My grief is centered around not having a three month old in my arms. 

But, as is typical with this crazy beast of grief, it blind sided me today.  As I was scrolling through updates on facebook, pictures of someone's baby boy hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was surprised because pictures of others' babies haven't affected me much up until now.   Being around babies is extremely difficult, but pictures haven't been a big deal.  So, I'm not sure how tomorrow will hit me.  Though I'm guessing it will be a bigger deal than I thought a few days ago. 

Today I find myself wishing I were complaining about all the discomforts of late pregnancy.  And, for a girl who does NOT enjoy being pregnant, that's sayin' something!  :)

God is still faithful.  I cling to the truth that He is in control, that He does have a perfect plan and that He is, above all else, GOOD. 

I would appreciate your prayers for tomorrow. 

Name Collage

My plan is to get back into blogging about life happenings outside of and beyond just those surrounding Jackson - but I have to share this beautiful collage created by Franchesca at Abiding Hope Collages. What a precious gift!

Peace Despite Circumstances

It is so easy to be deceived by our emotions - what a great reminder of where true peace comes from! The context of this quote is about spending time with Jesus every.single.day.
"The peace that flows despite circumstances can only be found through Jesus being with us....Instead of being slaves to our emotions and reacting based on our feelings, we can remain victoriously peaceful no matter what."
From Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst

Jackson

Here are my favorite images of our brief time with Jackson


Its hard to believe we buried him 2 months ago today ...

These photos are courtesy of Joe Heiliger, a sweet family friend and volunteer photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep!!

Beach Therapy

Our trip to Galveston ...

Ed's therapy was the fishing

The kids' therapy was playing in the water

...and building sand castles

...and eating ice cream

...and catching crabs

...and bike riding down the seawall

And my therapy ... was just getting away!

Thanks & Update

Thank you ... so many of you have called, sent cards, notes and messages and I'm really grateful! It means more than you know. There are not words enough to express how touched we are by every single person that reaches out to us. I know most people don't know what to do or say, but please know that it is so comforting just to know you are thinking about us or praying for us.

Things are slowly getting better. It's only been six weeks since Jackson was born - it feels like the longest six weeks of my life! I still have hard days - even some really hard days - and I imagine that will continue for some time. I've tried to focus on allowing myself to feel whatever feelings come. That is tough for me since I am a planner, I like to think I'm in "control" of not only my emotions (ha!), but also the hows, whens, etc. Yes, all things God is working on in me through this experience. He's been showing me the areas of my life that I have yet to relinquish control to Him. He's working on my heart in big and small ways and I am learning more everyday about really, truly trusting Him and allowing Him to be in charge.

I am constantly reminded of Romans 5:3-5 ~ and I especially love The Message translation: "There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary - we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit."

I continue to trust that God's plans are perfect - even though my broken heart and human mind scream that Jackson not being here with me is anything but perfect. I know I won't understand until I see my baby boy again. In the meantime, I just have to TRUST in God's greatness and goodness.

Peace

I remember praying that God would make Jackson's birth peaceful - that the whole experience in the hospital would just be as peaceful as possible. I knew He'd been faithful to answer those prayers and this picture is a perfect reminder ...

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

All my thoughts ...

I have so many thoughts and emotions still swirling. I want to try to share some of it, because I know everyone is wondering - some ask and some don't. Some want to know and some don't.

I know that everyone wants to help - and I am appreciative of that, I really am. In all the ways it comes, I am thankful. I am blessed to have a few friends and family that "get it" - and keep asking how I am, knowing that this is a long journey, knowing that I want and need to talk about Jackson & the whole experience, that understand my tears are a good thing, that this process isn't pretty, that I need to hear his name spoken, and that I just need them to listen.

Everyone I love is hurting. I don't know how to help my children or my husband, much less myself. I know that I may need counseling. I get it. I know that I might need help walking through this - and if/when that time comes, I will seek it out. In the meantime what I need are friends and family that aren't afraid of my grief.

I am in awe at the power and intensity of this grief. I've had my share of losses and life events that required grieving, but this is just different. So much heavier. Tomorrow will be one month since I gave birth to my sweet boy and I am amazed at how deeply I still mourn. I could not have imagined this a month ago. I am shocked at what a scatterbrain I've been, how little focus and energy I have. Its exhausting. Physically, mentally, spiritually and obviously, emotionally.

I am usually a pretty open book. I don't typically hold things in. And because I love to write (and talk), I have plenty of words - its just hard to know what to share and with who (whom?). I have literally felt like I was losing my mind. Like I was going crazy. So, I kept things inside.

Until last weekend. I read the book, I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. She made me feel normal again! I used to read her blog and pray for her sweet family as they grieved the loss of their daughter just hours after her birth. I cried through the whole book - partly because I felt like she was telling MY story and partly because I so desired what she had - TIME. She knew months before her baby passed away that it would happen. Before I lost Jackson, I would have seen that as a horrible, awful turn of events. But from where I sit now, I see it as a beautiful gift. I'm not trying to minimize their pain at all, just pointing out that she had something I longed for! She got to say goodbye. She gave birth to a live baby. She was able to look into her daughter's eyes. I so wish I'd have known to say goodbye. I wish I could have looked into Jackson's eyes. Just for a moment. And, yet, I know that if I'd had a moment, I would have longed for another. There is no 'enough' in something like this.

Jackson's body was very fragile and deteriorated quickly. Because he had been deceased for over a week in my womb before birth, his bones had collapsed and his body was "squishy" (technical term for it)! But, it was easy to see that he had Eddie's mouth (a Kermit-the-Frog mouth, as I like to call it) and Eddie's brow. That is a beautiful treasure for us. The pictures I have are treasures as well. I have a hard time taking myself back to those peaceful hours that I held him - I want to remember it so badly, but there are too many painful memories that cloud it out. For now.

I know God will give me that again. I also trust that this pain I feel is where I am supposed to be right now. This is the season that God has chosen for me and I trust that walking through this pain is part of the work He is doing in me to bring about the good that I know He has in store. I have yelled at God and cried out to Him and expressed every emotion ... and at the end of it all, I have trusted Him. I know He can handle my grief and I know that He is walking me through this. I haven't felt like I could "hear" much from Him ... except to REST and TRUST in Him. I have heard that repeatedly. Those very words were in a song we sang at church on Sunday and I just smiled as I felt God affirming what I already knew I was hearing. He is so very good. Even when my circumstances are anything but.

We spent last week staying at a beach house on Galveston island. It was wonderful and a much-needed getaway for all of us. The kids needed some fun and distraction, Ed needed some fishing and I just needed some time away to think and process the events and emotions of the past few weeks. Its amazing how relaxing the sound of the ocean can be. I loved walking on the beach and looking at the waves crashing and being reminded of just how little understanding I have of the mind of God. So little understanding of just how big and amazing He really is.

By the end of our trip, I was feeling desperate. I'd gone to the beach for some down time and some relaxation, some fun, of course, but also in hopes of "pulling myself together," or "figuring out my emotions;" of finding some end to my intense grief. About the only thing I 'figured out' is that this is for sure a process, a journey - and a long one at that. Just like everyone has been telling me. I was sure hoping I could bypass the process. :) Maybe deal with it all at once? In a week. Nice, tidy little package of grief. Done.

I don't think I really know what my expectations were (or are), but I do know that I have to find a way to move forward while still mourning my loss. Life continues on ... whether it feels like it should or not. My children need me. I am praying every day that God will cover them with His grace - to meet their needs when I can't. To give me the energy I need to be the mom they need. Sure, I have much to be grateful for and I am. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful marriage and four wonderful children still here with me. I am blessed beyond what I deserve, for sure. But, there is a void as well. A hole. A missing piece. SomeONE missing. Someone I think about every second of every day. Someone I long to see again. To hold in my arms again. To hold his little hand again. To look into his eyes.

The Cord

This is the poem I read at Jackson's service.

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I.
By an invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

Its not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth.
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed.
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create.
It withstands the test,
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
Though no one can see.


It pulls at my heart
I am bruised, I am sore.
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.


I am thankful that God
Connects us this way.
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

An Angel Never Dies

This is the poem my little brother, Erin read at Jackson's service.

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart.
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not of me.
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes.
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Even in this pain you bear.
Believe me when I say to you
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

Its been nearly a week since we buried our baby boy. As hard as it was, I thought the graveside service we had was beautiful. I was able to see my sweet baby wrapped in the blanket my mom made for him and wearing the hat she crocheted. I needed to know his little body was in his casket just the way I wanted him. Some of the things I've needed through this journey have been surprising and some I haven't had explanations for. I've just had to trust what my heart was telling me was important and go with it.

When we arrived at the funeral home, Jackson's casket was set up in a room with some sweet flowers friends had sent. After our family arrived, Ed carried the casket out to a car that took us to the grave site. We had a short little service that included some Scripture, some poems, and a sweet song. I'll post those soon. Then, we placed roses on the casket and our other kids all placed toys they chose for him on his casket.

Afterwards, we had a dove release ceremony that proved to be beautiful! A company called Dream Doves came and did an "Angel Release" - she released one dove to signify Jackson and then a flock of doves were released afterwards. It was really a beautiful sight!

We had a ton of food at our house afterwards, thanks to our church! And visitors filled our house for the afternoon.

We are so thankful for the love and support we've received from so many! I am amazed at the number of donations made to Show Hope in memory of our little Jackson. I'm also amazed at the number of cards we've received!! We are receiving meals from our small group and have still received flowers this week. It blesses us immensely!! My mom gave us a memory box for all our keepsakes. It has a shadowbox lid, which I love:

I'm hoping to have his name engraved on the little silver plate soon. I'm so glad my mom made two hats and blankets, so I was able to keep one of each! You can also see his little footprints on the left. The verse was from the program at the funeral home. This box will be a forever-treasure!

The past week has been a roller coaster ride for me. I don't really know what else to say about it right now. I am thankful that God gave us Jackson for the short time He did and I continue to trust that He knows better than I do, even though my human heart and mind can't make sense of it.

Born Still & Peacefully

Jackson Erin Sustala was born very peacefully this morning at 6:49 am, weighing 1 pound, 10 ounces. He was 12.5 inches long. Bigger than we expected.

We were so blessed to spend 3 beautiful hours with him. Seeing him for the first time was the most painful experience of my life - and yet holding him in my arms was such a relief. Once he arrived, we found he'd had a cord accident - his cord was wrapped tightly around his neck twice as well as under his arm. His tiny feet were both very clubbed as well.

God made his presence felt in so many ways. The room was filled with nearly constant prayer and his arrival was as peaceful as I could have hoped for. God was so gracious to us throughout the entire process. The labor was fairly easy and the delivery very simple. I am in awe of His provision and love! We have felt so loved by our family and friends as well. I am so thankful for Ed - I am so blessed to spend my life with him. He has been amazing!

Leaving the hospital without our baby was difficult and I expect this week will be tough as I recover from birth and all that entails without a babe in my arms. Please continue to lift us up in prayer as we face this week and look ahead to the burial on Friday.

We know that God is so very good and we trust His plans for our family, even in our pain.

Birth & Burial

Well, we've had a week to grieve the loss of our sweet Jackson and now we have a week to give birth and bury him. It feels like a whole lot more than I'd like to do, but I also know that God's grace and strength will prove sufficient, as it already has.

Here are the details - I am scheduled to be induced tomorrow (Tues) morning. There are no guarantees that it will work quickly - it could take 24 hours. Please pray that it goes as peacefully and easily as possible and that God will take care of every detail (including my fears).

We have planned the burial for Friday morning. It will be a private family service, but we are happy to welcome any other family and friends to our house Friday, 1:00 - 4:00 pm.
If you need the address contact Ed or me.

One question we've been asked about are flowers: they can be sent to our home or to the funeral home: Woodlawn Funeral Home & Cemetery in Houston.
In lieu of flowers, donations can also be made in memory of Jackson Erin Sustala to Show Hope by clicking this link: https://secure2.convio.net/ccsh/site/Donation?ACTION=SHOW_DONATION_OPTIONS&CAMPAIGN_ID=1065
Show Hope is a non-profit organization that mobilizes individuals and communities to care for orphans and provide waiting children with families by giving grants to those adopting.

We are all holding up pretty well and are very grateful for all the love, prayers, support, cards, messages, meals and offers to help from SO many!

Please continue to pray for all of us this week.