Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Six Months

Six months can seem like a lifetime.  Or the blink of an eye. 

These past six months have been a mixture of both for me.  It feels like a lifetime of swimming in a turbulent sea of grief ... and like the blink of an eye since I held my baby boy for the first and only time.

It sure seems like six months ought to be long enough. 

It ought to be long enough that the thought of Jackson doesn't bring tears to me eyes. 

It ought to be long enough that I don't get choked up writing about him. 

It ought to be long enough that I don't think about every "first" without him. 

It ought to be long enough that my arms don't still ache to hold him.

It ought to be long enough that I don't feel a lump in my throat at the sight of a pregnant mama. 

It ought to be long enough that seeing my children together doesn't remind me he's missing.

It ought to be long enough that I don't still cry myself to sleep some nights.

It ought to be long enough that the sight of a new baby boy doesn't take my breath away.

It ought to be long enough that I don't flinch when I hear the joyous news of another baby's arrival.

It ought to be long enough that anniversaries don't feel so painfully raw. 

It ought to be long enough.

It just ought to be. 

But, it's not.  At least not for me. 

And that's OK.  'Cause six months have passed in the blink of an eye.

I love you with all my mommy-heart, Jackson Erin.  I will never forget you - or stop missing you.  Until I hold you in my arms again. 

4 comments:

Beth Rainey said...

Oh, Angela! The heart wants what it wants and time, nor your other children, nor rationality or practicality mean nothing! You're correct; I don't think this will pass, but will release the tightness of its grip, until you and Jackson are reunited. That's as it ought to be, right??!! Otherwise you wouldn't be the fierce - loving mama I know you to be, or the loyal friend or passionate advocate, or devoted
wife you are. To be the amazing
person you are comes with a
cost! You can't just shove away
these negative feelings and keep
all the positive ones that make you YOU! I love you so much, Angela, and am blessed to have You in my life. Big hugs today!!!!

Doree said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Doree said...

Angela that post was beautiful! Thanks so much for sharing and being transparent. It is inspiring knowing the pain and joy that you have experienced in the "journey of motherhood". I hope I embrace the the journey as beautifully as you have!

Patricia said...

The pain only lessens with time but you never stop counting... at least I haven't. I have 5 wonderful children and even though I love them dearly I still count the days for the one I didn't get to raise.... she would be 17.