The Cord

This is the poem I read at Jackson's service.

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I.
By an invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

Its not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth.
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed.
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create.
It withstands the test,
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
Though no one can see.


It pulls at my heart
I am bruised, I am sore.
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.


I am thankful that God
Connects us this way.
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

An Angel Never Dies

This is the poem my little brother, Erin read at Jackson's service.

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart.
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not of me.
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes.
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Even in this pain you bear.
Believe me when I say to you
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

Its been nearly a week since we buried our baby boy. As hard as it was, I thought the graveside service we had was beautiful. I was able to see my sweet baby wrapped in the blanket my mom made for him and wearing the hat she crocheted. I needed to know his little body was in his casket just the way I wanted him. Some of the things I've needed through this journey have been surprising and some I haven't had explanations for. I've just had to trust what my heart was telling me was important and go with it.

When we arrived at the funeral home, Jackson's casket was set up in a room with some sweet flowers friends had sent. After our family arrived, Ed carried the casket out to a car that took us to the grave site. We had a short little service that included some Scripture, some poems, and a sweet song. I'll post those soon. Then, we placed roses on the casket and our other kids all placed toys they chose for him on his casket.

Afterwards, we had a dove release ceremony that proved to be beautiful! A company called Dream Doves came and did an "Angel Release" - she released one dove to signify Jackson and then a flock of doves were released afterwards. It was really a beautiful sight!

We had a ton of food at our house afterwards, thanks to our church! And visitors filled our house for the afternoon.

We are so thankful for the love and support we've received from so many! I am amazed at the number of donations made to Show Hope in memory of our little Jackson. I'm also amazed at the number of cards we've received!! We are receiving meals from our small group and have still received flowers this week. It blesses us immensely!! My mom gave us a memory box for all our keepsakes. It has a shadowbox lid, which I love:

I'm hoping to have his name engraved on the little silver plate soon. I'm so glad my mom made two hats and blankets, so I was able to keep one of each! You can also see his little footprints on the left. The verse was from the program at the funeral home. This box will be a forever-treasure!

The past week has been a roller coaster ride for me. I don't really know what else to say about it right now. I am thankful that God gave us Jackson for the short time He did and I continue to trust that He knows better than I do, even though my human heart and mind can't make sense of it.

Born Still & Peacefully

Jackson Erin Sustala was born very peacefully this morning at 6:49 am, weighing 1 pound, 10 ounces. He was 12.5 inches long. Bigger than we expected.

We were so blessed to spend 3 beautiful hours with him. Seeing him for the first time was the most painful experience of my life - and yet holding him in my arms was such a relief. Once he arrived, we found he'd had a cord accident - his cord was wrapped tightly around his neck twice as well as under his arm. His tiny feet were both very clubbed as well.

God made his presence felt in so many ways. The room was filled with nearly constant prayer and his arrival was as peaceful as I could have hoped for. God was so gracious to us throughout the entire process. The labor was fairly easy and the delivery very simple. I am in awe of His provision and love! We have felt so loved by our family and friends as well. I am so thankful for Ed - I am so blessed to spend my life with him. He has been amazing!

Leaving the hospital without our baby was difficult and I expect this week will be tough as I recover from birth and all that entails without a babe in my arms. Please continue to lift us up in prayer as we face this week and look ahead to the burial on Friday.

We know that God is so very good and we trust His plans for our family, even in our pain.

Induction Tonight!

We have a slight change of plans with the induction. We are going to the hospital TONIGHT - at 6pm to be induced. Please PRAY!!!

Birth & Burial

Well, we've had a week to grieve the loss of our sweet Jackson and now we have a week to give birth and bury him. It feels like a whole lot more than I'd like to do, but I also know that God's grace and strength will prove sufficient, as it already has.

Here are the details - I am scheduled to be induced tomorrow (Tues) morning. There are no guarantees that it will work quickly - it could take 24 hours. Please pray that it goes as peacefully and easily as possible and that God will take care of every detail (including my fears).

We have planned the burial for Friday morning. It will be a private family service, but we are happy to welcome any other family and friends to our house Friday, 1:00 - 4:00 pm.
If you need the address contact Ed or me.

One question we've been asked about are flowers: they can be sent to our home or to the funeral home: Woodlawn Funeral Home & Cemetery in Houston.
In lieu of flowers, donations can also be made in memory of Jackson Erin Sustala to Show Hope by clicking this link: https://secure2.convio.net/ccsh/site/Donation?ACTION=SHOW_DONATION_OPTIONS&CAMPAIGN_ID=1065
Show Hope is a non-profit organization that mobilizes individuals and communities to care for orphans and provide waiting children with families by giving grants to those adopting.

We are all holding up pretty well and are very grateful for all the love, prayers, support, cards, messages, meals and offers to help from SO many!

Please continue to pray for all of us this week.

What Now?

I've had a lot of emails and phone calls about 'what now?' & other questions - so I thought this would be as good a place as any to answer them.
Our choices, as they stand right now, are to wait and see if my body will go into labor on its own (which typically happens in 2-3 weeks) or I can choose to schedule an induction. At least for now, we are choosing to wait. My midwife is out of town until next Monday and I'd rather not do anything without her here. I'm not sure what I will decide next week. We're just trying to take things one day at a time right now.
As far as where we plan to birth - I don't know if we know yet. But, Ed and I are both leaning toward a hospital birth. That could change in an hour or in a day or in a week. :)
As for what will happen after Jackson's birth. We will get to hold him and spend as much time as we want with him (although he will be very fragile). Additionally, we have an amazing blessing of a photographer that will come and take pictures for us. A beautiful ministry called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep will provide that. Beyond that, we will have him buried - but don't have those plans yet. We do not plan to do a funeral, but perhaps a graveside family service. We still have plenty of arrangements to make and this is likely going to be a process that extends through the next couple weeks.
We are so thankful for all the words of encouragement and support we have rec'd and thankful for all the prayers!
We are also thankful that God did indeed choose to completely HEAL Jackson - it just wasn't in the way we had hoped.
Again, thank you for all the prayers and love and support for our family!

Jackson Erin

We learned today that our precious Jackson has passed away. Please pray for us as we grieve losing him - but also as we move forward in making decisions and arrangements. I'm 23+ weeks along and will still have to give birth to him and then bury him, which feels so beyond hard right now.
I noticed that I hadn't felt him moving (even when trying to get him to), so we went to the midwife and there was no heartbeat. We went to the hospital and it was confirmed with an ultrasound that Jackson had passed.
We are heartbroken and crushed, but we still PRAISE God. We KNOW He is good & faithful and that He will bring good out of even this. We are trusting Him, even though we don't begin to understand.
We would covet your prayers for not only peace, but for direction and wisdom as we make hard decisions and arrangements in the coming days.