Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Due date

So, I'm back to Jackson ...
Any guesses as to what occupies a good portion of my thoughts?  :)

Tomorrow is my due date.  Was, actually. 

August 4, 2010 is a date I started looking forward to in November last year, when we learned we were expecting our little guy.  Then I started dreading it in April, when we learned our baby was gone.  The date didn't change.  Only the circumstance. 

I haven't felt like tomorrow would affect me much.  Mainly because I feel like Jackson "should" be here - I've already given birth to him. My grief is centered around not having a three month old in my arms. 

But, as is typical with this crazy beast of grief, it blind sided me today.  As I was scrolling through updates on facebook, pictures of someone's baby boy hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was surprised because pictures of others' babies haven't affected me much up until now.   Being around babies is extremely difficult, but pictures haven't been a big deal.  So, I'm not sure how tomorrow will hit me.  Though I'm guessing it will be a bigger deal than I thought a few days ago. 

Today I find myself wishing I were complaining about all the discomforts of late pregnancy.  And, for a girl who does NOT enjoy being pregnant, that's sayin' something!  :)

God is still faithful.  I cling to the truth that He is in control, that He does have a perfect plan and that He is, above all else, GOOD. 

I would appreciate your prayers for tomorrow. 


Sleep, what's that??? said...

Something you told me, grief is very tricky, it comes when you LEASE expect! My dear sweet friend, I've been praying for you this whole week like crazy! I love you!!! <3 sending many hugs!! Let me know if there is ANYTHING else I can do!!!!

Sleep, what's that??? said...

Ok, sorry, LEAST, I can TOTALLY spell! ;)

lindsay said...

praying for you today. aw.